Is it Ok to Ask?
Some things you just have to ask about. Sometimes, a situation comes up when you have to decide whether what you are doing is polite or unnecessary. And if the said situation involves a friend or a stranger, no matter, you must decide how to act, and what is appropriate.
A number of situations have come up in the recent 24 hours for me to address this. Today, while I was getting ready to board the Subway, a very brave and rather foolish young man dropped down into the tracks, as the train was in sight and approaching the station, in order to cross over to the other side. He voluntarily and carelessly put himself in danger, leaping down into the pit of train tracks, an infamous and taboo refuge for rats, garbage, and electricity, where common pedestrian is not supposed to sojourn. He crossed the forbidden third rail, and waltzed over to the other set of tracks, where he quickly ascended the platform, to meet the other people on the platform, who were patiently waiting to go up town.
The majority of us in the train station watched in jaw-dropping horror as we anticipated this poor soul's demise into a colorful smattering of remains, that would have resulted in a large amount of paperwork, keeping us all from going home. For a second, we expected the worst. Thankfully, it did not end that way. The young man safely reached the other side, the train came, and we all went home.
Even so, this man chose to perform this particular action, making us all aware of the prevalent danger, and forcing us to make a decision as citizens and human beings of nature, who, in turn, have an interest in perpetuating the well-being of our species and our society. I did not ask any questions. Though I wanted to shriek out, "Dude, WTF?" I just watched in awe. I could not act. And when the train arrived, I boarded and looked out the window as the young man received a talking-to from another gentleman who was waiting for the train on the other side.
Though I could not hear the words, it was evident that the conversation was not pleasant and/or didn't have any business being a conversation to begin with, considering this guy could have walked down the stairs and around to the other side, just like the rest of us, and any other decent human being. I minded my own business.
When I arrived at my stop nearby my home, I witnessed two more circumstances that questioned my place in society. As I was walking from the train station on my way to my apartment, I heard, a few feet behind me, a girl who was sobbing as she was walking. She let out a loud cry of discontent, and though she wasn't in any danger, it was obvious she was upset. In this situation, it is difficult for a person like me to act. I could hear her crying very loudly, and while on the one hand, I wanted to make sure she was alright and see if I could help her at all, on the other hand, I didn't want to make matters worse by poking my nose into her business and making her more upset by not leaving her alone.
I chose to mind my own business and just leave her to her feelings. That though process held my attention until I saw another young man, this one lying flat on the concrete, face down, in an obvious state of unconsciousness. He wasn't dead; that much I could tell from the positioning of his arms (it looked like he had been doing drunken push-ups, and just never got up from the second one). As you might imagine, though, it abruptly pulled my attention away from the concern of the girl, as this sight is not as familiar to me and is far more eerie (at least the crying girl is still up and walking around; if there was a real emergency here, she could have helped me help the young man).
Once again I chose not to act, though, and just continued walking and minding my own business. Similarly dressed and otherwise nefarious characters were milling about nearby, and so I figured one probably had to do with the other, and that he would be taken care of...by somebody. I did not ask anybody to confirm, though. I guess I really wasn't too concerned at that point.
All this and more begs the question on my mind whether it is acceptable or not to ask about other people's business. While I know it is none of my business why the man chose to enter the path of an oncoming train, why the girl was crying boisterously, or why the other guy was passed out on the sidewalk, I also know it is in my best interest and in the people's best interest to investigate the general emotional status and decision-making processes of these people.
Maybe these people need help, and maybe I can provide that, or maybe I can point them in the direction of that help, or maybe I can just leave a positive influence on them they would not have had otherwise. Or maybe, I'll be way out of line and ask about something I shouldn't have, and end up being ostracized or ridiculed because of it. "You're being pushy," they'll say, and I'll think I was just being polite.
Therein lies the question then. When is it appropriate to be obtrusive and slightly over-bearing? Or is it ever appropriate? Sometimes, even though, you know you can help a person so much in such a way, it is best to let them figure out their business on their own. They don't want your help. They may appreciate the concern, maybe even be flattered that you would ask, but the truth is it is none of your business, and you should keep it that way.
We all want to be helpful. Having a concern for other human beings, even strangers, is natural and necessary. But where is the line between being helpful and being a pest. The line over which you do not want to cross, it seems, is sometimes very difficult to see.
A number of situations have come up in the recent 24 hours for me to address this. Today, while I was getting ready to board the Subway, a very brave and rather foolish young man dropped down into the tracks, as the train was in sight and approaching the station, in order to cross over to the other side. He voluntarily and carelessly put himself in danger, leaping down into the pit of train tracks, an infamous and taboo refuge for rats, garbage, and electricity, where common pedestrian is not supposed to sojourn. He crossed the forbidden third rail, and waltzed over to the other set of tracks, where he quickly ascended the platform, to meet the other people on the platform, who were patiently waiting to go up town.
The majority of us in the train station watched in jaw-dropping horror as we anticipated this poor soul's demise into a colorful smattering of remains, that would have resulted in a large amount of paperwork, keeping us all from going home. For a second, we expected the worst. Thankfully, it did not end that way. The young man safely reached the other side, the train came, and we all went home.
Even so, this man chose to perform this particular action, making us all aware of the prevalent danger, and forcing us to make a decision as citizens and human beings of nature, who, in turn, have an interest in perpetuating the well-being of our species and our society. I did not ask any questions. Though I wanted to shriek out, "Dude, WTF?" I just watched in awe. I could not act. And when the train arrived, I boarded and looked out the window as the young man received a talking-to from another gentleman who was waiting for the train on the other side.
Though I could not hear the words, it was evident that the conversation was not pleasant and/or didn't have any business being a conversation to begin with, considering this guy could have walked down the stairs and around to the other side, just like the rest of us, and any other decent human being. I minded my own business.
When I arrived at my stop nearby my home, I witnessed two more circumstances that questioned my place in society. As I was walking from the train station on my way to my apartment, I heard, a few feet behind me, a girl who was sobbing as she was walking. She let out a loud cry of discontent, and though she wasn't in any danger, it was obvious she was upset. In this situation, it is difficult for a person like me to act. I could hear her crying very loudly, and while on the one hand, I wanted to make sure she was alright and see if I could help her at all, on the other hand, I didn't want to make matters worse by poking my nose into her business and making her more upset by not leaving her alone.
I chose to mind my own business and just leave her to her feelings. That though process held my attention until I saw another young man, this one lying flat on the concrete, face down, in an obvious state of unconsciousness. He wasn't dead; that much I could tell from the positioning of his arms (it looked like he had been doing drunken push-ups, and just never got up from the second one). As you might imagine, though, it abruptly pulled my attention away from the concern of the girl, as this sight is not as familiar to me and is far more eerie (at least the crying girl is still up and walking around; if there was a real emergency here, she could have helped me help the young man).
Once again I chose not to act, though, and just continued walking and minding my own business. Similarly dressed and otherwise nefarious characters were milling about nearby, and so I figured one probably had to do with the other, and that he would be taken care of...by somebody. I did not ask anybody to confirm, though. I guess I really wasn't too concerned at that point.
All this and more begs the question on my mind whether it is acceptable or not to ask about other people's business. While I know it is none of my business why the man chose to enter the path of an oncoming train, why the girl was crying boisterously, or why the other guy was passed out on the sidewalk, I also know it is in my best interest and in the people's best interest to investigate the general emotional status and decision-making processes of these people.
Maybe these people need help, and maybe I can provide that, or maybe I can point them in the direction of that help, or maybe I can just leave a positive influence on them they would not have had otherwise. Or maybe, I'll be way out of line and ask about something I shouldn't have, and end up being ostracized or ridiculed because of it. "You're being pushy," they'll say, and I'll think I was just being polite.
Therein lies the question then. When is it appropriate to be obtrusive and slightly over-bearing? Or is it ever appropriate? Sometimes, even though, you know you can help a person so much in such a way, it is best to let them figure out their business on their own. They don't want your help. They may appreciate the concern, maybe even be flattered that you would ask, but the truth is it is none of your business, and you should keep it that way.
We all want to be helpful. Having a concern for other human beings, even strangers, is natural and necessary. But where is the line between being helpful and being a pest. The line over which you do not want to cross, it seems, is sometimes very difficult to see.
posted by Leland J. Fischer at 4:10 AM
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