Self-Definition

One of the things I have hated since coming here to New York has been trying to sell myself to people. I find it very difficult to try and define myself in a few short words or sentences or even a piece of paper, as in a resume.
When somebody I've just met asks me to describe myself or tell them something about myself, I struggle, because I have to consider how much this person is actually trying to get to know me, or if he/she is just scanning me for some major flaw or insufficiency or singular defining characteristic he/she can relate to. Once people find that flaw/insufficiency/singular defining characteristic, it is difficult for them to put that out of mind.
I am of the mind that a person shouldn't be defined by their college degree or their career choice. Certainly that is not the case for most people, but it seems like so many people are really satisfied by who they are being defined by what they do. They love their jobs, and those jobs are what/who they are. Those people want you to be like them, in a way, which is very difficult for me because I scarcely know what it is that I want to do, much less be defined by it.

It's natural for people to do that. It's natural for people to want to pinpoint other people as such and such, and speculate about them and judge them silently. That is a natural phenomenon. I don't think we, as people, can get away from it any more. For crying out loud, careers have been made on the gossip and hearsay of others.
But it is important to realize that while one person may find a singular activity that deeply satisfies their needs to make money and occupy time, for others, like yours truly, it is not so easy. The things that occupy my time don't necessarily make me any money. Vice-versa, the ways in which I make money don't necessarily make the best use of my time. In fact, I would say it is completely inappropriate.

You can't put this on a resume, though:
Special Skills: Finds humor in the smallest of details.
or
Is the Shit.

Nobody is going to hire me for that. So I have to put buzz-words on my resume, like multi-tasker and self-motivated.

Sometimes in my quest to multi-task, I hit a snag, leaving me hopelessly crippled to single-task. This is a small example, but it still works. Today, while sending a multi-recipient text message (two-fold multi-tasking), I got the bright idea to leave a note for my roommates on the white board. I halted myself when I realized the message I wanted to leave contained information, including a phone number, that was held in my phone, currently being used by my other hand. Thus, I had to finish the text message before I could leave the note.

Self-motivation is what leads me to doing this. I never wrote a journal as a kid. Maybe I never thought to write because I never had an audience. Now I write for myself, but it's as if the whole world can look under my bed and read my journal at any time.

Perhaps my self-definition can only be revealed as I slowly figure it out. Perhaps my career path is a parallel of that. If I do not know who/what I am, how could anybody who's interviewing me possibly know in thirty minutes or less. That's why the interview is part of the process, so a human resources-type doesn't waste the company's precious time getting to know the wrong people. I respect that, I'm still just waiting to be that right person.

One thing is for sure, though. I certainly don't think a company has the right to picky about spelling or punctuation on a resume when they themselves cannot get their own job listing correctly worded on an already sketchy Craigslist website.
Somehow I don't think the duties for a receptionist position at a Fashion PR firm should include serving as a lesion between the office and the insurance contact, computer technician, cleaning company, etc. (le·sion /ˈliʒən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[lee-zhuhn] –noun: 1. an injury; hurt; wound).

Clearly this company should hire me for no other reason than to proofread their publicly-viewed job listings. I would have no problem acting as a liaison between their company and the English language. We'll have to see what they say about that after they read my resume.

Fear of the Unknown

It is funny that people often make connections with one another without knowing that much about each other.
You could meet a person and get along with him/her so great and gab endlessly with fluid communication. Some people you meet and it feels as if you've known them their entire lives. You meet people like that. And from that moment on, you only really concern yourself with the future. Maybe you look forward to seeing these people again. They might even look forward to seeing you. That initial trust is there.

The trust is unspoken and it is a social aspect of human interaction. What makes two people like each other at first is based on the fact that each person finds at least something in common with the other, and that, in turn, he or she must at least be a decent individual. This trust is furthered into getting to know a person. It could lead to a very meaningful relationship. It could also lead to disaster. But it is that initial hunch that gives people the idea of whether they want to explore this person further or not.

It might come as a shock later on to realize about a person that, although you get along very well with this individual and have had meaningful, enjoyable experiences with one another, that you don't actually know each other at all. You might say to yourself, "Wait! I don't know anything about this person!" Then there is that. This person might have a giant secret that he or she is hiding, and you don't want to go any further without finding out as much as you can up front. You don't want to doubt yourself, but that initial hunch you had could end up being wrong.

Trusting somebody is a big investment to make. Like all investments, it could end up biting you in the end.

One of my flaws is that I am far too trusting of people. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. This doesn't always work out for me when it ends up that these people are just trying to take advantage of me. I've been taken a few times in my day, and my good nature must be a feature easily-spotted by crooks, because it seems like I get targeted more than most people I know.

Recently, in my neighborhood, there has been a gentleman who has harassed me three separate times in the past two weeks. It is starting to get annoying. He has a spiel that he plays on me each time, but his approach is not unlike others I have witnessed. His story is that he moved from New Orleans, lost his wife two days before Christmas, and now has a baby girl to take care of. While his story could be true (I've certainly witnessed enough hardship in my own life not to doubt it entirely), it also seems like a story such as this could be easily contrived by a man in his position.
The first time he caught me I was on my way to induct the new year and I was decked out in my finest threads, sorrowed and pitiful on the event of a high holiday, so I was surely in a position to give. He came at me from behind, while I was on my way ducking into the Subway, banked on my politeness to stop, and told me his story. I ended up giving him a dollar, to expedite my departure, which I felt was a reasonable stipend given his story, real or fake, being that it was New Year's Eve, and the fact that I was about to go eat a free dinner.
The second time he flagged me down, I was with a friend of mine, it was in the middle of the day, and I quickly recognized him and shrugged him off, citing my recognition of his lies (he previously told me he wasn't asking for money and then proceeded to ask for money).
The third time, though, he once again approached me from behind and away, drawing my attention away from my earphones by politely saying, "Excuse me!" Sometimes people will do this to let you know you dropped something or to ask for directions. But this guy is somehow drawn to me and has not given up on me yet. He keeps asking me to go with him to buy a can of milk for his daughter. I entertained him long enough to make myself ultra-uncomfortable, consciously aware of what was going on around me, making sure I was not slowly getting surrounded by thugs or pick-pocketed by a number two man, but I did not fulfill his request. I do not even know where one gets a can of milk, but apparently, he would had shown me the way if I wanted to follow him.

If I had followed him and ended up getting jumped, he would have found out, that despite my outward appearance, I am not worth very much. I have very little cash on my most of the time, two credit cards that are very near their spending limit, and a checking account that is consistently on the verge of bankruptcy. While I do have some savings, that kind of money is not accessible by anything in my wallet, but only by being me. So, as a result of anybody robbing me, they would really not be helping themselves to much, but more so just making my next week or two terribly inconvenient. They might get the satisfaction of beating me up, but there is no way to tell by looking at me what kind of fight I would put up, which I tend to think would be a pretty good one, unless I was shivved or something.

I could be wrong about this guy. It could end up that he might have been the sweetest guy in the world, and was just down on his luck. And trying to buy baby formula. I could run into him again and trust him enough to help him out, find out his story is absolutely true, and then maybe help him turn his life around. On the flip side, he could end up trusting me and then wind up finding out that I actually prey on people who ask me for favors, and will later be deemed by the newspapers as "the Good Samaritan Serial Killer."

The point of the matter is that one goes through life and meets all sorts of people. But one is never going to be successful in learning about people until one is ready to take risks, make mistakes, learn from them, and take risks again.

The Catholic Connection

When I go home to Quincy, I get reconnected to a part of my life that has always been a central theme of my upbringing and family structure. That theme is Catholicism.

My family is predominantly Catholic, always has been, and will not stray from it as long as it is still around. I was raised Catholic, and the morals and values of Catholicism have been instilled in me and refuse to leave. Catholicism is one of the longstanding traditional religions of the world, and like all the others, has a great effect on those who practice it fervently. Since birth, I have been baptized, reconciled, and confirmed in the Church, and I was educated under the Catholic banner until adulthood. I am a Catholic through and through, and there is probably not a shred of me that could even think of converting to another religion. I was founded on Catholic ideals, and that is most likely how I will stay.

I haven't been an upstanding Catholic all the time. As I have become more worldly in my adulthood, I have gained an outsider's perspective as well as an insider's perspective on the Catholic Church. Once I found out that not everybody else in the world is Catholic (a fact that surprised me at first), I began to somewhat distance myself from the Church. Like any person who is religious, there have been times in my life where I have turned away from the Church, when I have doubted God, but I always end up going back. It could be the guilt, a proud Catholic tradition, that turns my sorrows and misgivings inwards on myself, convincing my subconscious that I must pray more to feel good about anything. I think it is the familiarity and the comfort I feel with the Catholic Church, though, that keeps me involved.

I know that I can always go back, no matter how long I've been gone, and I'll be able to fit right in. Nothing will have changed. And no matter where I am or what language the Mass is spoken in, I'll be able to fit right in.

The other thing that keeps me coming back to Church is my family. And, even though, being a Catholic can get a little sensational or downright crazy sometimes, it is my family's strong adherence to these traditional values that I so admire and try to emulate.

Growing up Catholic can be a little berserk and uncanny at times. It is a great lesson in dramatics. Some of the rituals and ceremonies are spectacular and could be rivaled only by other traditional religions, or sometimes sports...or reality TV shows.

Nonetheless, they are traditions, and followers must stick to them if they are to continue the religion. But some of the rules are really hard to follow and still enjoy yourself. Sticking close to any religions core values 100% can be very difficult. Every religion has different rules and traditions that make you feel very proud if you can stick to them, but also make you feel like an outcast if you can't. Either way they bring about a great deal of suffering on an individual. And Catholicism is no different. Suffering is learned at a very young age.

As soon as you're born, you are taught that you are a sinner, and that you must be cleansed if you are going to amount to anything in this world. That's before you even have a fully developed thought process. The Mass is an hour long, which is nothing to an adult, but to a kid, it is ages. And you have to kneel through a quarter of it. Then you get to the Canon rules of the Church, the ones that keep you from feeling like a normal human being. Rules like no swearing, no meat on Fridays, and no sex outside of marriage.

These rules can seem silly to an outsider, and for someone who is not of the religious persuasion, why a person would devote such time to a God they cannot see is preposterous. They might ask a question to a regularly-practicing Catholic like, "Why do you do this day-in and day-out, when there is so much else in the world to take part of?" And they might get the same answer as they would get from a long-distance runner if asked the same thing, "...Well, any more, I'm addicted to the pain."

The reason I am a Catholic may only be that I didn't know any other way from when I was brought up, but I'd like to think that there was good reason for that. And even though I can't take the pain at a constant streaming rate any more (I take it in doses), I have come to the belief that having a set of beliefs in place has been a good thing in my life. Having a religious base stone gives a person something to build from, it gives that person a solid foundation to stretch from and return to, if need be.

Being Catholic also gives you something to connect with when you meet others who have suffered like you have (an astounding number turn to comedy).

I believe the Catholic upbringing has helped to keep me a strong person. I believe it has kept me on the right moral path, it has taught me behaviors that I shall try to impregnate into my children. It has taught me how to treat others, and how to deal with being treated by others. More than anything, though, being brought up Catholic has helped me connect to other Catholics, and the greatest number of them I know is within my own family. My family has stuck to its roots like no other people I've known, and it seems like it would take a lot to break us apart. I think the unnofficial theme of "unity in Catholicism" has had a lot to do with that.

As they say, "the family that prays together, stays together".