Monday, October 10, 2005

Adjusting

I want to write, but I can't think of how to start, even though, I just had an inner monologue going in my head for the past fifteen minutes. I suppose I'll just start with how I got to this point anyway.
I had a rough morning. Not rough in the sense that it was a lousy or particularly bad morning. It was neither of these. Nothing lousy or particularly bad happened to me this morning. Nothing particularly good happened either, though. I feel that it was just kind of a typical atypical morning for me. I crave adventure and excitement most of the time. I would like it if something interesting happened to me every morning. That doesn't happen to anybody, though, you take what you are given most of the time.
Lately, though, I have been feeling quite lost. I crave adventure, but I don't know where to find it. I need direction.
This morning, I had three cups of coffee at my job where my primary duty is to make coffee. That's the only thing that brings any kind of excitement out of my work. I sit in a little office in the corner of Eaton Chapel, listen to Virgin Radio UK, and drink coffee. At 10:30 I get the mail. I get paid $5.80 for five hours a week to do this. It is not a particularly money-making job, nor a particularly career-furthering job. It just occupies my time.
After work, I went to my Economics class. I thought I was doing well in Economics.
Apparently, I got a 67 on my first exam (this is only a decent grade in Level 300 Physics or equivalent). Needless to say, that put somewhat of a damper on my morning.
Next, I went to the Java Joint, which has recently been remodeled and expanded, and looks rather nice. I have disliked the Java Joint greatly since my Freshman year, but now it appears that students have a real draw to it, which is good for it and good for the school. At the Java Joint, I met with a friend of mine who is a potential business partner in the fact that she has a business and I might like to work for her. I anticipated this meeting for weeks only to find that it would last upwards of five minutes and account for me saying not much more than, "I have no experience and you already have all of your positions filled, is there anything I could do to help?"
As much as I would like to write for her, I feel as though the chance to do so is slim to none. She already has a staff and people working to get her magazine off the ground. As much as I would like to be a part of it, something tells me that there are already more qualified people doing more things than I know about. I mean, I don't even know what kind of job I really want, and she doesn't really know me well enough to know what kind of person I am and what kind of work ethic I have.

Which leads me to the crossroads that I am at. I need some direction. People tell me write, none of them writers, people tell me to play music, none of them musicians, people tell me to go into business endeavors, none of them businessmen.

So who do I listen to? I am having a problem adjusting to the real world only because I feel like I'm slowly being dragged into it. I would do better if I was suddenly thrust into it. I don't have real real world problems. I have fake real world problems. Problems like some Mexican knocking on the door at 3 in the morning. Problems like my hands smelling like dead fish all the time, either due to the consistent departure of one my pet fish or the consistent consumption of tuna. Problems like my computer speakers suddenly shorting out. Problems like my roommate not having the same gumption as me when it comes to living on your own as proven such by him trying to flush paper towels down the toilet while cleaning the bathroom. Problems like more than one girl being attracted to me when I already have a wonderful and loving girlfriend who I've been waiting my whole life thus far to find. Problems like not all the buttons on the DVD remote functioning correctly.
The time that I would spend exercising is instead spent washing the dishes that allow me to consume the excess fat and calories that make me want to exercise so much. The time that I would spend excelling at all of my classes is instead spent advancing the relationships that I have with my soon-to-be-departing friends. The money that would be spent on long-lasting useful items like jumper cables needed to help my friends out is instead spent on binge DVD purchases because the time that I would spend writing letters to friends and family is instead spent watching movies, listening to music, and managing a fantasy football team.
The things I am good at are these little things like keeping my friends my friends, pleasing my girlfriend, living off ramen noodles, and coming up with scenarios that entertain me during "important" lectures on things like statistics and economics. It is too bad these are not the kinds of things one can do to be successful at life. I would define being successful as getting what you really want out of life. Not that these things don't attribute to that, but what I want to do to be successful is so much more than just those things.
I know I will be successful one day. Everybody around me feels it, they know my potential and they cling to it. I just don't like this period of adjusting that is unavoidably inevitable while growing up. I just want to go somewhere and do something, yet at the same time I don't know what I want.