vent
This is not aimed at anyone, this is just me releasing my thoughts and feelings, albeit angry, at the world in the form of literature.
I do everything in my life at 100%. I try and try so hard, and when I don't try I do it at 100%. But I've never been a winner. I've never won anything. I have always gotten second place or similar. I've never been at the top, just always close. But I'm not a loser either, I never have been. I've always had a lot of friends and a lot of people who care for me. I've never done anything that has really ruined my reputation or validated my credibility. I've never done anything that's really ruined my life. I've always kind of been just slightly above average, just slightly out of the ordinary. I'm always a medium and sometimes a large and sometimes a small. But I'm always a different average.
I'm stuck at school for reasons beyond my control that are in my hands. I'm stuck in this wonderful painstaking fraternity that is full of stupid smart people that drive me crazy and make me smile to my heart's content. I've got a girlfriend who I love and who loves me back who I don't understand and who doesn't understand me, but who I don't want to spend a moment without. I bend over backwards for the people and things that I love, and I'm still looking for answers and rewards. Between the lot of them, I don't have any time to do what I'm supposed to be doing, learn, even though I'm learning everyday. I've bitten my fingers down to painful nubs of open sores and rotting scabs, but when I put them on a piano, I make music that makes me feel really good inside. I don't get any release except the music that I play, either myself, or the recording artists that have come before me. All around the world people are doing things that I think are wrong and unheard of, but there is nothing I can do to stop them. I don't like to sleep at night until late because I'm always trying fit more and more hours into the day, and I can't sleep during the day because I'm so pissed off at the world that all I do is lie there and think about it, all the while I'm not doing things that need to get done and I'm getting more out of shape by doing it.
I want the stress, I want the challenges that life has faced me with. I live it. I need it. But I need different kinds. I need the kind of stress that lets me grow and develop as a human being, as a lover, and as a professional. I don't need the kind that makes me want to tuck into a ball and never face anything again. I don't need to put up with any more bullshit than I already do and I don't need anybody's pity or sarcasm to get in the way of my feelings.
I need life to happen, and I need to make it myself.
I do everything in my life at 100%. I try and try so hard, and when I don't try I do it at 100%. But I've never been a winner. I've never won anything. I have always gotten second place or similar. I've never been at the top, just always close. But I'm not a loser either, I never have been. I've always had a lot of friends and a lot of people who care for me. I've never done anything that has really ruined my reputation or validated my credibility. I've never done anything that's really ruined my life. I've always kind of been just slightly above average, just slightly out of the ordinary. I'm always a medium and sometimes a large and sometimes a small. But I'm always a different average.
I'm stuck at school for reasons beyond my control that are in my hands. I'm stuck in this wonderful painstaking fraternity that is full of stupid smart people that drive me crazy and make me smile to my heart's content. I've got a girlfriend who I love and who loves me back who I don't understand and who doesn't understand me, but who I don't want to spend a moment without. I bend over backwards for the people and things that I love, and I'm still looking for answers and rewards. Between the lot of them, I don't have any time to do what I'm supposed to be doing, learn, even though I'm learning everyday. I've bitten my fingers down to painful nubs of open sores and rotting scabs, but when I put them on a piano, I make music that makes me feel really good inside. I don't get any release except the music that I play, either myself, or the recording artists that have come before me. All around the world people are doing things that I think are wrong and unheard of, but there is nothing I can do to stop them. I don't like to sleep at night until late because I'm always trying fit more and more hours into the day, and I can't sleep during the day because I'm so pissed off at the world that all I do is lie there and think about it, all the while I'm not doing things that need to get done and I'm getting more out of shape by doing it.
I want the stress, I want the challenges that life has faced me with. I live it. I need it. But I need different kinds. I need the kind of stress that lets me grow and develop as a human being, as a lover, and as a professional. I don't need the kind that makes me want to tuck into a ball and never face anything again. I don't need to put up with any more bullshit than I already do and I don't need anybody's pity or sarcasm to get in the way of my feelings.
I need life to happen, and I need to make it myself.
posted by Leland J. Fischer at 3:00 PM
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