The Skirts

Oh God bless women! Nothing brings out the birds and the bees like young beautiful girls walking to and from places wearing skirts. When winter strikes in Beloit, everybody gets out their long underwear, thick coats, hats, gloves, and pants. Granted, some of these liberal-minded, fashion-bending, independent girls wear skirts during the winter, too, but they are most always wearing pants underneath or leggings or something that keeps their naked skin from meeting the naked eye.
But when spring comes, everyone wants to shed clothes all at once. Now, it's easy for guys to just throw on a pair of shorts and go about their days as normal. But for girls to be walking around wearing skirts, it gives them so much power over men. Guys are thinking, "Wow, I haven't seen a leg for 4 months! That looks great!" Testosterone and, in turn, horniness increases ten-fold.
Nothing makes you really want to feel like living quite like an attractive girl in a skirt. There's something about the skirt that just makes it one of the most attractive things a girl can wear. Not that there's anything wrong with pants, or shorts, for that matter, but the skirt is so playful and friendly, inviting and teasing. It hurts so much it should be a crime sometimes. But nothing gives men that ability to fold and crumble due to sexuality quite like a pretty girl on a clear day getting noticed in a skirt. To all the heterosexual men out there, it's a pleasure and a pain that can't much be matched. And it lets you know that, no matter how much you think you've got your woman, she's got you right where it counts.

vent

This is not aimed at anyone, this is just me releasing my thoughts and feelings, albeit angry, at the world in the form of literature.

I do everything in my life at 100%. I try and try so hard, and when I don't try I do it at 100%. But I've never been a winner. I've never won anything. I have always gotten second place or similar. I've never been at the top, just always close. But I'm not a loser either, I never have been. I've always had a lot of friends and a lot of people who care for me. I've never done anything that has really ruined my reputation or validated my credibility. I've never done anything that's really ruined my life. I've always kind of been just slightly above average, just slightly out of the ordinary. I'm always a medium and sometimes a large and sometimes a small. But I'm always a different average.

I'm stuck at school for reasons beyond my control that are in my hands. I'm stuck in this wonderful painstaking fraternity that is full of stupid smart people that drive me crazy and make me smile to my heart's content. I've got a girlfriend who I love and who loves me back who I don't understand and who doesn't understand me, but who I don't want to spend a moment without. I bend over backwards for the people and things that I love, and I'm still looking for answers and rewards. Between the lot of them, I don't have any time to do what I'm supposed to be doing, learn, even though I'm learning everyday. I've bitten my fingers down to painful nubs of open sores and rotting scabs, but when I put them on a piano, I make music that makes me feel really good inside. I don't get any release except the music that I play, either myself, or the recording artists that have come before me. All around the world people are doing things that I think are wrong and unheard of, but there is nothing I can do to stop them. I don't like to sleep at night until late because I'm always trying fit more and more hours into the day, and I can't sleep during the day because I'm so pissed off at the world that all I do is lie there and think about it, all the while I'm not doing things that need to get done and I'm getting more out of shape by doing it.

I want the stress, I want the challenges that life has faced me with. I live it. I need it. But I need different kinds. I need the kind of stress that lets me grow and develop as a human being, as a lover, and as a professional. I don't need the kind that makes me want to tuck into a ball and never face anything again. I don't need to put up with any more bullshit than I already do and I don't need anybody's pity or sarcasm to get in the way of my feelings.

I need life to happen, and I need to make it myself.

Adventures in Pre-Easter Transit

Everyone hears about small towns. They know about small towns. They know people that come from small towns. Everybody has that one person they know that describes his or her town as the smallest, Podunkiest, most uncivilized town in the U.S., slightly poking fun at his/her homestead's puniness, while also taking the simplest pride in the quirkiness or relative unknownness of his or her community.
One hears about these towns that are not even on the map. They are miles away from any nearby city and host settlers that choose not to congregate in a large populous area, be it due to occupation (agriculture, mostly), or property, or mere instinct or choice. These folks rest up in their homes, have their dogs and cats and wives and husbands and children. They enjoy life in their small towns, not worrying about the fuss and complications associated with multitudes of people. And all these people talk about that one local hangout spot that is the center of their town; the one spot where everyone goes to if they need anything or if they want anything. They can go here to stock up on groceries, rent movies, get the paper, get their cigarettes (or chewing tobacco, if they choose). They go to the place where they will undoubtedly run into their friends or neighbors and talk to them about nothing for hours. They go to the place where it all comes together. Of course, the place in these small towns that I'm talking about is the gas station.
Every town has a gas station. When you talk about small towns, people might talk about whether they have any movie theaters or if they have a Wal*Mart. But when it gets down to really small towns, the smallness of the town is measured in amount of stoplights and the ratio of cattle to people. But anybody in any small town has at least that gas station, and in some cases, it's all they have. I can't remember the number of times I've heard people tell me about their small towns and they describe it as, "All we have is a gas station." And that's it. That's all they have. That gas station is the staple to their social fiber, the link to the outside world, and, in a small Podunk way, paradise. That gas station is a necessity, because without it, life would be hopeless.

When I was on my way home from school prior to Easter this year, I made a small quest to get as far as I could driving without filling up on gas. And I did just that. I got to about forty miles outside my hometown when I realized I had to pull over at the next available place so that I could make it the rest of the way. And I was worried sick. I was getting very anxious as the red line drew closer and closer to the ominous-looking white bar which more and more turned out to be gauging the amount of time before I dialed my phone asking for help.
The interstate highway system has very helpful signage that allows one to take a look at their choices in food, gas, and lodging before actually taking the next step to finding what one needs. This is a luxury that not many countries with highway systems have and is not one we as Americans should take for granted. But at the point where I was, B.F.E., the sign at the next exit did not have any specific choices. It merely had directional arrows for the necessities of food, gas, and lodging. Not having any choice but to GET GAS NOW, I went for the closest outlet I could find, which was four miles from the interstate, making me even more nervous than I already was.

The quest for gas when you are about to run out is such a predicament. It is unlike any other quest that involves obtaining a need. Of course the biggest question when in this situation is, "Do I drive fast, or do I drive slow?" There is of course two logical answers for the question, which proves that you shouldn't be asking it anyway, but just concentrating on whether or not you can find a gas station. If you drive fast, you burn fuel quicker, but you also get to where you need to go quicker, provided you can find where you are going. It also gives you a higher initial cruising velocity, should you actually run out of gas. If you drive slow, you burn fuel slower, giving you more time to find your destination, but you also have poorer fuel economy. It really is a double-edged sword, and either way, if you don't find that gas station soon, you're in trouble.

So I land in Griggsville, Illinois, and thoughts reminisce in my head about playing their high school team in Quiz Bowl and how such a small town can even have a high school. But nevertheless, I found that town and I quickly found the center of it, which was the gas station. Two, actually, one across the street from the other. I arrived and spent my last seven bucks on three and a quarter gallons of gas, which was enough to get me home, and I walked into the gas station, used the john and got on my way. But, being in the gas station, I couldn't help but notice the movies in the corner, the tables with scattered newspaper and expired cigarettes littering them, the small aisles of groceries, and it made me realize that this was, in fact, the center of town. This was one of those gas stations in one of those towns that was the one thing holding it all together. And ironically, the one thing that keeps the town together is the peddling of the one thing that drives people away. The gas.
After I paid for my gas and bid the clerk goodnight, she replied, "Have a good night." I was walking out the door when I heard this, and it didn't come through too clearly, but it almost sounded like she had said, "Saved your life." This really struck me, and as I drove home, back through the little Podunk town, back on to the ramp to the highway, and all the way home to my little Podunk town, I wasn't worried. I'll never know if Griggsville, IL, really did save my life, but I sure learned the importance of that small town and the people in it. And if nothing else, it allowed me to get home safely to my family and friends so I could celebrate Easter.
God works in mysterious ways, and on this drunken, philosophical, and very memorable Holy Saturday night, or Easter Eve, I can only say one thing, and that is, "Happy Resurrection, Jesus!"

Clint Eastwood = Love?

When somebody asks you if you've seen any good movies recently, you almost instinctively say, "No," just like when someone asks you how you are, you almost always instinctively say, "Good." There are no details involved. The person asking the question just wants an answer, and doesn't want too much trouble to get it out of you. I get asked the question, "how are you?" quite a bit, and I almost never answer anything but, "Good."
Sometimes, when you ask questions geared toward initiating a real conversation, you get about two minutes into it and think that you wished you hadn't asked that awkward silence-killing ice breaker. Sometimes the person will get really into answering that simple question, and you just instinctively want to leave right in the middle of it. Ha! I've been there, too.
I was asked the question, "Have you seen any good movies recently?" today. She was a stranger to me, yet the two of us were in a situation where conversation seemed to be the natural route, and her being in the position of certain authority as the hair stylist, or barberette, she opened it up with that titillating query. To which I most certainly wanted to respond, "No," so as to get this person off my back as if saying, "What do you want? Just cut the hair and get done with it?" I feel like it's natural to feel that way, it's natural to just want to be left alone and not get involved with people. But in this case, it's more polite to actually engage with the person who is performing a service for you, and in doing so, maybe you learn a little about something that you didn't know before.
Life is a constant battle between your natural instinct and your conscience. I learned that my junior year of high school, but never figured it out until now. It was taught to me by my (gasp) religion teacher. Next time I see him, I'm gonna have to thank him. The point is, that when I was grilled on the topic of recently viewed movies, I played the part of the eccentric with a long explanation for my answer, which probably made my stylist a tad uncomfortable, even if just for a second.
I had recently viewed a good movie that I wanted to share. I told her I had seen Million Dollar Baby, and that it was good. It was a good movie, the best movie I had seen all year, and she mentioned that a lot of her clients had mentioned it as well. That gave me a good feeling, like one of correctness. I feel like I was able to come up with an answer because that movie has been on my mind subconsciously ever since I saw it. I really feel that a good movie does just that, stays on your mind. And in an interesting way, it keeps your mind guessing and curious for more. So what I did was, I rented Mystic River, and watched it. It wasn't as good as Million Dollar Baby, but it was still good, and has since kept me thinking about it.
Million Dollar Baby was directed by Clint Eastwood, who produced the movie and won the Best Picture Award at the Oscars just this year. He did the same for Mystic River last year, only he did not win the award. Clint Eastwood has approached me in a way that love has. Clint Eastwood was brought to my attention years ago, and I've always known him as a Hollywood big shot movie star, been in a lot of westerns, seen his face a lot on TNT. He's just kind of always been there, and I've just had to put up with him.
Similarly, women have always been there, stealing my attention from more important things, like the James Bond marathon I was in the middle of. Women have always been there, taking up space and time, not really affecting my life, similar to Clint Eastwood.
Until now!

I haven't written anything for a good few weeks now, and there are several reasons behind this. I have been spending a lot of time with a woman for whom I care very deeply, and I also have been watching a lot of movies, playing and listening to a lot of music. All the while thinking of things to write down in my blog, just never getting around to doing it. But tonight I came to a realization.
Clint Eastwood has really touched me with his movies, but he didn't do it right away. The attention and the glamour and the glitz didn't do it for me, it was just the nature in which he approached me and subtly invited me to the majesty of his wisdom and art. Similar to the love found in a relationship. Finding true love is a lot like fighting your way through all the Hollywood malarky and glitz, and getting to the nitty gritty roots of human feelings. You have to get through the initial bits of relationship baloney and the quirks and tricks men and women have amongst themselves, before you find something you can really cling to.
Like a good Hollywood movie, true love should keep you guessing, should challenge you, and should be on your mind constantly, but not leave you with a bad taste in your mouth. It should leave you with a feeling of wanting to get at it again and again, but not have to pay an arm and a leg for it. It's like buying the DVD. Maybe you save up for it, maybe it means a lot to you and whenever you watch it, it makes you feel good inside. But there's that undeniable quality of ownership, that when you are finished watching it, you always know that you can watch it again, and that that movie, that love, is yours forever.