On orientation
When people ask you where you are from, you usually have a pretty definitive answer, don't you? Or you should at least. I have a unique position because I never know quite how to answer the question. I feel like I have three homes. I have lived in three specific places where I have grown and matured and met people that I feel strongly for who live near or around each of those places.
When I answer the question, I don't know what to say. Do I answer the place where I was born and raised, the place where I made my first friendships, made my first sacrifices, and still have strong connections to? Do I answer the place where my roots lie, where my family and predecessors come from, where the possibility for my very existence came to power, and where I know I will always be loved? Or do I answer the place where I most recently have come from, developing me into the person I am today, the place that has most recently shaped my future?
I have a dilemma, because I have choices. I have three quasi-perfect worlds that I cling to and continue to make strides in, attempting to make them all the more perfect for me and my future, whatever that may be.
My first perfect world is the place where I was brought into this world. It is the place of my first memories, my closest friends, and my deepest feelings. In Bethel, Connecticut, and the surrounding area (Danbury, Redding, New York City, the east coast) I yearn for my childhood, which I never want to give up. When I'm there, I feel in a small sense that I return to myself and the person I once was and truly want to be. I feel freedom like one would not believe, and in New York City, I feel most alive; that the possibilities are endless. My heart belongs to the city and the great things that are associated with it. I cannot speak enough about it. It is just something that I feel that cannot be ignored.
My second perfect world is the place where my family comes from, and it's far from perfect. Quincy, Illinois, is the place where all of my family lives, save few exceptions. Family is always present there, and although I did not really feel it growing up, I always knew it. Quincy was never going to change and it still isn't. A visiting college friend of a high school buddy of mine coined Quincy as "the land that time forgot." It is true that Quincy, being very small, very religious, and very conservative, could be described as not progressing very quickly. Quincy relies on the "old way" of thinking and is not very welcome to change. True that Quincy is slowly becoming more liberal, but at a price. It seems that the liberal people are all money-grubbing yuppies who don't know what to think except what they see on TV. And further there are people who trick you into thinking that they are progressive and accepting of other ways of life, but are really trapped in the same old method of perpetuating the status quo. Quincy is a place that I love and hate very much at the same time. And I fear that by staying here, I could be successful and never really want to leave, but I would not be getting what I really want.
The final place where I come from is Beloit College. It is my most recent departure point and it is where I have lived the majority of the last three years. It has changed me and offered me things that I could have never gained elsewhere. It is also a haven for people like me, who have no direction in life and are searching for answers. In that case, it is a refuge for me because I can live happily among friends and basically do whatever I want. But the rub is that I have but a limited time for which I can do that. At which point, I must make a decision about where to carry on.
Compromise is not something that I like to do. I am an all or nothing type of guy. Adaptation is something, on the other hand, that I do quite well. This is evident through all the changes I've had to make in my life. More or less, I can do whatever I want, but for the most immediate future, I must be able to make a decision about what people I want to be around the most, or if I want to be around anybody at all. In a funny and ironic way, I feel like I get the most respect from my friends when I distance myself from them. I always have good times when I'm around them, but they always seem to appreciate me more when I'm gone. In order to truly appreciate what kind of a person I really am, my friends and acquaintances have to be separate from me, which ultimately leaves me by myself. It's a good thing I have my trusty computer by my side to tell all this to.
When I answer the question, I don't know what to say. Do I answer the place where I was born and raised, the place where I made my first friendships, made my first sacrifices, and still have strong connections to? Do I answer the place where my roots lie, where my family and predecessors come from, where the possibility for my very existence came to power, and where I know I will always be loved? Or do I answer the place where I most recently have come from, developing me into the person I am today, the place that has most recently shaped my future?
I have a dilemma, because I have choices. I have three quasi-perfect worlds that I cling to and continue to make strides in, attempting to make them all the more perfect for me and my future, whatever that may be.
My first perfect world is the place where I was brought into this world. It is the place of my first memories, my closest friends, and my deepest feelings. In Bethel, Connecticut, and the surrounding area (Danbury, Redding, New York City, the east coast) I yearn for my childhood, which I never want to give up. When I'm there, I feel in a small sense that I return to myself and the person I once was and truly want to be. I feel freedom like one would not believe, and in New York City, I feel most alive; that the possibilities are endless. My heart belongs to the city and the great things that are associated with it. I cannot speak enough about it. It is just something that I feel that cannot be ignored.
My second perfect world is the place where my family comes from, and it's far from perfect. Quincy, Illinois, is the place where all of my family lives, save few exceptions. Family is always present there, and although I did not really feel it growing up, I always knew it. Quincy was never going to change and it still isn't. A visiting college friend of a high school buddy of mine coined Quincy as "the land that time forgot." It is true that Quincy, being very small, very religious, and very conservative, could be described as not progressing very quickly. Quincy relies on the "old way" of thinking and is not very welcome to change. True that Quincy is slowly becoming more liberal, but at a price. It seems that the liberal people are all money-grubbing yuppies who don't know what to think except what they see on TV. And further there are people who trick you into thinking that they are progressive and accepting of other ways of life, but are really trapped in the same old method of perpetuating the status quo. Quincy is a place that I love and hate very much at the same time. And I fear that by staying here, I could be successful and never really want to leave, but I would not be getting what I really want.
The final place where I come from is Beloit College. It is my most recent departure point and it is where I have lived the majority of the last three years. It has changed me and offered me things that I could have never gained elsewhere. It is also a haven for people like me, who have no direction in life and are searching for answers. In that case, it is a refuge for me because I can live happily among friends and basically do whatever I want. But the rub is that I have but a limited time for which I can do that. At which point, I must make a decision about where to carry on.
Compromise is not something that I like to do. I am an all or nothing type of guy. Adaptation is something, on the other hand, that I do quite well. This is evident through all the changes I've had to make in my life. More or less, I can do whatever I want, but for the most immediate future, I must be able to make a decision about what people I want to be around the most, or if I want to be around anybody at all. In a funny and ironic way, I feel like I get the most respect from my friends when I distance myself from them. I always have good times when I'm around them, but they always seem to appreciate me more when I'm gone. In order to truly appreciate what kind of a person I really am, my friends and acquaintances have to be separate from me, which ultimately leaves me by myself. It's a good thing I have my trusty computer by my side to tell all this to.
posted by Leland J. Fischer at 3:10 AM
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